Crazy, Hectic

That's how I would describe this week. Not that its a bad thing though! It's midterm time and I have been working diligently to get caught up. But I still find time to enjoy myself so I don't get overwhelmed. I have also been cleaning out my closet, so to speak...removing all the garbage from my life that hinders my healing process. Unhealthy relationships and unnecessary drama are swiftly discarded. I am also keeping my eyes open for new and positive potentials for happiness and have managed to find a few :) I am a curious cat afterall and love exploring new things.

The article I wrote, "She Dreams in Digital" is being featured in an inworld (SL) magazine and I am pretty excited about it. I was also recently offered a job as a managing editor for this magazine, which would give me another venue for my writing and relationship advice. Most of my writings would pertain to love and dating via the online venue, which I find quite intriguing. I am writing my senior thesis on SL and this very topic, so it will be killing two birds with one stone. I am considering it carefully, weighing it against my already hectic schedule to determine if its something I will have time to do. How exciting!

I was a foreign language minor in my early days of college and have some Spanish, Japanese, and sign language under my belt. Now, I still have a long ways to go before I am fluent in any one of these but I have managed to add another to my list-French. It is a beautiful and exciting language full of romance and is suprisingly much like English. So it is actually one of the easiest one's I have attempted so far. My goals are to be fluent in Spanish and French, while being able to get by with some Japanese. I plan to do a great deal of traveling in my life and these are the places that I want to go, so it's only wise to learn the spoken language of the land. I figure that once I have learned enough to get me by, I can reward myself with a nice vacation to practice my new found knowledge :) It is definitely something to look forward to! ~LaKira

Keepin The Humor

Well interestingly enough, the highlight of my day yesterday was this... I was sitting at my desk at work and suddenly I hear this really loud thud! I jump out of my skin and look up. One of the instructors was standing on the other side of a pane of glass with his face still pressed up against it! As he slides himself off, he stands there dazed and looks at me- a bit lost. Finally he manages to find the "correct" door and walks through as if nothing happened. At this point, I am doing everything in my power not to giggle cuz I know that had to be embarrassing, so I ask him if he is ok. He reaches up and rubs his head again and just keeps walking, grunting a not-so-happy "Yup". As I leave work a bit later, I walk passed a class and low and behold there is the same instructor teaching his class, still looking a bit dazed and confused. Twas a bit comical.

Aside from that, I have been busy doing homework and gaming. Exciting..Yes I know. My mood has improved quite a bit and I am still smiling often. Much of the sadness has passed now and I am gradually feeling normal. Whatever normal is. I am still not 100% and don't expect that I will be for a while, but the progress is refreshing and comforting.
Some of the things that I have been doing to help get me through this are meditation, writing, and surrounding myself with great friends. To any of you reading this that is skeptical about the power of meditation, I would recommend giving it a shot. I have been doing my meditation for about 20 min. a day and it helps clear out the negative thoughts. I also feel refreshed and more clear-headed afterwards. Keeping tabs on emotions through writing is another technique that is helpful because it allows you to look back on your progress, let it out without bombarding those around you with it, and forces you to identify what it is that bothers you. I keep a private journal as well as my blog. I must say that it is very therapeutic. As previously mentioned, I have also gotten back into story telling via writing. I think having a hobby that you enjoy in addition to the rest is important as well. My friend Jen and I have been workin on an elaborate tale for our RP adventures and like silly girls, we spend much of that time giggling at ourselves. The power of laughter :)
So to anyone out there that is going through a tough time, let me offer this bit of advice...Keep humor near you, keep track of your feelings, keep your head clear and your heart open, and your friends and family close. If you can do that, your recovery will be much faster and a more pleasant experience.
~LaKira

My Immortal Kiss

I was inspired a while ago to get back into the one thing that started my love of writing many years ago. Story telling and poetry. Roleplay offers me a chance to do just that. I have been given the opportunity to get back to my roots and I will share a bit with you here. I am certainly not a novelist or a poet, but there is a lot of emotion in my storytelling because often times it's my heart that has a story to tell. My character Lak is starting a new journey into the seductive world of vampires...This should be exciting!

My Immortal Kiss
Too much to handle and nowhere to hide, standing on her balcony he said his silent goodbyes. "Don't forget about me" he said with a half-hearted smile. She knew that he was leaving, but thought just for a lil while.
But now as time passes, there's no glimpse of him in sight. No I miss you's, no I'll be back, no maybe's or I might. The uncertainty in her head and hopefulness in her heart wrestle inside as it threatens to tear her world apart.
Spoken broken promises ringing in her ears, she stands alone on her balcony and wipes away her tears. Sensing a familiar presence hovering near by, she nods her head, pulls back her hair, and softly closes her eyes.
Begging for release from all that is missed, she offers up her trembling flesh to feel the immortal kiss. Blood pumping through her veins, she knows the end is near. No more pain or sorrow, and we shall leave the story here...
~LaKira

Lurkers In The Darkness

One thing I find very fascinating is that certain types of men (and women) are more like wild animals than human beings. It's as if they can smell the freshly wounded from miles and miles away and race to the site of the injury without hesitation. They circle their new prey in the shadows, hoping that their intentions will not become known. Slowly, they sneak up and POUNCE! They catch the prey off guard!! My mom often told me to beware of wolves in sheep's clothing and I am grateful that she taught me well. I have had many wolves hovering around me lately...spose its the smell of fresh wounds. But even the wounded can still have a fierce bite and I have managed to fend off these fiends so far. I have heard every pony line, every sob story, and every promise known to man in the last month. Some are very talented web spinners. I will admit, I did enjoy the dance in some ways because it felt like a battle of the wits on many occasions. The challenge of outwitting a manipulator can be amusing. Whether they are playing the victim, the hero, or simply trying to display their many charms, their true colors will always show through eventually. Luckily, I have been blessed with enough patience to wait them out. I am doing my best now to guard my wounded heart from these predators without letting them jade me. It's difficult when it seems that everyone that comes into my life recently has a hidden agenda. Thank goodness for my close friends!

Aside from the lurkers in the darkness, I will say that I have been smiling quite a bit this week. When I look in the mirror, I see ME again. I am no longer sinking myself into my work or drowning in the what if's. I still hope for the best and expect the worst, but I am carrying on with my life. I really do believe that if things are meant to be, they will find a way to happen. So I've given up my troubles to my Higher Power and take comfort in knowing that everything happens for a reason. I have received a few uplifting emails from people who have found my writings helpful to them. If nothing else, I am excited that someone has benefited from these experiences!!! Sending out hugs to all, ~LaKira

A New Woman

Well, I was finally able to make it to the salon for my day of pampering! My stylist, Brendon, is fantastic and I look and feel like a new woman! So what changed your prolly wondering? Well when I went in, my hair was faded red and all one length. I decided to do something close to my own natural color though so my hair is now a deep chocolate brown and layered around my face. I think this is the first time in prolly 8 years that I have had bangs :) My hair looks silky and great though and I love it.
I took some pics <----but they dont do this justice.

On another note, I have talked my friend into gettin on SL so that we could hang out together. She finally caved, so this weekend I spent doing a lot of homework and spending time with her. It was great. We are 200 miles from each other so SL gives us a chance to do things together. We explored and shopped, went to some live concerts, and met some new cool people. She is truly one of my rocks in the storm and I really don't know what I would do without her. She's the type to listen and not pass judgment on me, but isn't afraid to kick my butt when I need it either. Our friendship circle consists of 3 of us, and soon our other friend will join. I can't wait! Look out gaming world!!! So, as you can tell, I took a bit of a break from soul searching and just enjoyed being alive for a few days. Feels pretty good to smile again. ~LaKira

Forgiveness

Today the rain finally let up long enough for me to venture out and enjoy the beauty that surrounds me. With Nickelback playing in my MP3, I walked along the river and took in the fabulous colors of fall. The wind was oddly warm and the people I passed were in pleasant moods. I let my thoughts wander... I thought about the progress I have made in self-healing and what steps to take next. I am excited about how far I have come but I came to the conclusion that forgiveness was next in line. Forgiveness of others shortcomings and for my own. We are often most hard on ourselves and I can certainly attest to that.
I noticed that as I continue down my path of self-readjustment I often find myself looking over my shoulder-trying to make some sense of the hurt and confusion that is still within me. Even as we start on our recovery, it will never be smooth sailing and I know this all too well. But I suppose it’s these bumps and potholes that make the trip all that more lively. I try to remind myself that spending too much time in the past is not good for the present or the future. But I am human. I don’t always have all the answers and I don’t always use the tools I have either. When something sudden happens and it doesn't make sense to me I have a tendency to analyze every inch of the situation in my head, trying to find some answers. More times then not, the answers I seek are simply not there and I fight the feelings of anger, resentment, abandonment, and sadness just like anyone else. Being an optimistic and understanding person, I find these feelings a betrayal of who I am. But they are natural feelings and I realized that I have every right to feel them. I know who I am and I also know that in time the pain will go away. Feelings do not change me. They simply remind me that I am human and have a bleeding heart.
I also made peace with those in my life who have hurt me recently. I took a trip down memory lane and remembered all of the things that made me care for them in the first place. I reminded myself that not everyone deals with things the way I would and that we each cope with pain or fear in our own way. While I didn't make excuses for their behavior, I was able to start the forgiving process and let it go. I made a mental effort to release the anger and resentment I had been holding onto. I know the hurt and sadness will remain for some time, but letting go of the negative feelings was like lifting a weight off of me. Sometimes we need to visualize these things in our minds to effectively eliminate them. By the end of my walk, my heart felt a lil lighter. I didn't get to everything I wanted today, but I remind myself to take baby steps. ~LaKira

All Hallows Eve

Wow, I have recieved quite a few emails this morning from my readers, wondering about my costume choice this year. If you know me, I spend a great deal of time every year painstakingly creating my costumes. I am sad to say, for the first time in 30 years, I did not get to dress up and go out. :( OK OK, pick your jaws off the ground! Halloween was not without fun though! I went to a haunted house known as the "Davis House" and enjoyed the hard work these people devote to my favorite holiday. The scene was incredible! Only minutes from my house, these halloween buffs created an entire cemetary scene along with projections and a haunted house. A great deal of work went into it. And in a way, I did still dress up and go to a party...I just did it SL style! (insert chuckle here) And what was my costume of choice? Non other than Anne- The swashbuckling lady pirate of the open seas. It wasn't quite the same as real life, but I was surrounded by great people, dancing, and a ton of fun non the less. I hope you all had a great time! I will be attaching pictures of the SL fun for those of you who are a bit curious about it and for those of you who were there! Keep your eyes out on my website! ~Hugs, LaKira

Getting Back To Good

As the chill of the cold seasons starts to settle in my bones and a great deal of change lays ahead of me, I see it as a new beginning. As one door closes, another is opened- or so I hear. I am still looking for that door, but I am starting to enjoy the search. Getting back to your old self after a bout of depression can seem a bit overwhelming at times, but exciting non the less. I mean, where do you even begin? Well, for me, I have found that nothing makes me feel as good as a day in a salon. There is something to be said about being pampered and doted on. Not to mention walking out the door looking and feeling like a brand new woman! So after much self-reflection and meditation to get my mind in the right place, I am off to the mall! With my trusty pocket book at my side I will venture out of my little hole and into the great big world of clothing shops and latte stands. Now mind you, I have a tendency to go for a drastic change when my feet step through the doors of a hair salon. My last nasty bout of the "bummers" 3 years ago led me to chop off my long dark red hair to my ears and go blonde! However, I don't foresee that happening again. My hair is finally growing back out and I am quite partial to my long hair. But, change can be good! We shall see.
Aside from the physical changes, I am back out in the job market seeking additional employment. What a challenge its proving to be! I currently work part-time as a library assistant and am a full-time student. So finding a job that is able to work around that is proving a bit difficult. I am also deciding on location. Although I do love Portland and all its beauty, I have never been a fan of cold weather or big city life. I long to be in a warm place where shorts are welcome year round and a town that I can actually get around in! My brother has been trying to talk me into a move to California (which I'm not a fan of) so that I can be closer to him and have better opportunities. The warm weather and being near family is a tempting siren for me. And I can always return back home to all my friends and family, though 20 years there was plenty for me. So the decisions surround me and I am weighing them carefully. Since I take all my classes via distance ed., I am free from anything that holds me back...cept for my indecisiveness. Thus, my new road in life will have many forks and I do look forward to the challenge!
~LaKira