Forgiveness

Today the rain finally let up long enough for me to venture out and enjoy the beauty that surrounds me. With Nickelback playing in my MP3, I walked along the river and took in the fabulous colors of fall. The wind was oddly warm and the people I passed were in pleasant moods. I let my thoughts wander... I thought about the progress I have made in self-healing and what steps to take next. I am excited about how far I have come but I came to the conclusion that forgiveness was next in line. Forgiveness of others shortcomings and for my own. We are often most hard on ourselves and I can certainly attest to that.
I noticed that as I continue down my path of self-readjustment I often find myself looking over my shoulder-trying to make some sense of the hurt and confusion that is still within me. Even as we start on our recovery, it will never be smooth sailing and I know this all too well. But I suppose it’s these bumps and potholes that make the trip all that more lively. I try to remind myself that spending too much time in the past is not good for the present or the future. But I am human. I don’t always have all the answers and I don’t always use the tools I have either. When something sudden happens and it doesn't make sense to me I have a tendency to analyze every inch of the situation in my head, trying to find some answers. More times then not, the answers I seek are simply not there and I fight the feelings of anger, resentment, abandonment, and sadness just like anyone else. Being an optimistic and understanding person, I find these feelings a betrayal of who I am. But they are natural feelings and I realized that I have every right to feel them. I know who I am and I also know that in time the pain will go away. Feelings do not change me. They simply remind me that I am human and have a bleeding heart.
I also made peace with those in my life who have hurt me recently. I took a trip down memory lane and remembered all of the things that made me care for them in the first place. I reminded myself that not everyone deals with things the way I would and that we each cope with pain or fear in our own way. While I didn't make excuses for their behavior, I was able to start the forgiving process and let it go. I made a mental effort to release the anger and resentment I had been holding onto. I know the hurt and sadness will remain for some time, but letting go of the negative feelings was like lifting a weight off of me. Sometimes we need to visualize these things in our minds to effectively eliminate them. By the end of my walk, my heart felt a lil lighter. I didn't get to everything I wanted today, but I remind myself to take baby steps. ~LaKira